I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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