Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize