Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Randomize
