You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize
