Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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