When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
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