She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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