im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
