I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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