I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
