i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
