My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
This is my gift to your gina
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Randomize
