She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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