So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
