before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
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