you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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