Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
