I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
