My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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