GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
