Somerville?? What the hell are you going to do there?
Watch a movie and have sloppy make outs OBVI. 45 Harris St. in case I die.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
