It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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