Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
