i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
