you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
