im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
