He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
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