Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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