Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize