I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
