The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
