hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Randomize
