they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
