i think my tv is drunk
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
