Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
just tell him i said nine months
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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