my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
