I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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