Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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