she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
