I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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