I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
