Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
