True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
