Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize