i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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