First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
