I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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