I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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