Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
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