I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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