i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Randomize