I will die if light touches me.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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