Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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