my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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