Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Randomize
