you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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