I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Well I just put wine in my tea
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
