ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
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