Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
