Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
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